Archive for the ‘Living among the apes’ Category

9/17/13, Brothers

“We are terrible dinosaurs and we are best friends!” a growling six-year-old declares.

“ROAR!”  His brother agrees.

“But sometimes I get grumpy and try to eat you.”

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9/16/13: The knights who say . . . SLEEP!

“Hey, guys!  It’s time for bed.”

There is a giant blanket lump in the middle of my bed.  The lump is giggling.

“Shhhh!”  the lump hisses.

“There’s nobody here!” a voice squeaks from under cover.

“Um.  Yeah!”  a six-year-old voice calls from a supposed distance. “We’re in our room!”

“Yeah, we’re not here.”

“We put on our pajamas, and we’re each in our own rooms.”

“Oh, really?”  I say to the lump that looks remarkably like two balled up little boys.

“Uh-huh.”  One end of the lump nods.

“That’s nice.” I pat the bumpy covers. “Did you remember to brush your teeth?”

Monkey under-pink-blanket

7/15/13, Welcome to our home!

“Hi, Henry! Hi!”

Two bubbly boys bounce into the house.

“Henry, say ‘Hi’ to our friends!  They came over to play!”

He doesn’t speak or smile at them as they kick off their shoes.  His pudgy, little lips rest in a firm line.  His baby blue eyes examine them like insects under a plastic microscope.  Interlopers.

“Hey, silly.  Say ‘Hi!’”

In a grave voice he finally says, “I have Star Wars underpants on.”

Two friends blink at this profound proclamation. One cracks a smile.

“Umm…that’s great, honey.  Why don’t you and your friends go play?”

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6/24/13, Behold!


The newly minted first-grader storms into the room with his blankie draped over his shoulders like Dracula’s cape.

“Behold what?”

“I am McGreggor!” He cocks an eyebrow and tosses his blankie over his shoulder.

“McGreggor?” It’s hard not to laugh.

“McGreggor!  The Master of Pajamas!”  He spins to reveal his Christmas-in-June pajama pants.

Now I do laugh.

He struts out of the room.  “Ha! Ha! HA!”

“Okay.  Goodnight, McGreggor.”

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5/31/13, My Thing

“Frankie!  How many times have I told you to lift the toilet seat?”

“Oh yeah.”

Annoyed pointing continues.  “Do you see this mess?”

“I’m sorry.   I forgot.”  Sheepish smile and then a shrug.  “Forgetting stuff is kinda my thing.”

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5/28/13, Dr. Evil

“I’m Dr. Evil Pajamas!  Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaaaaaaaw!”

“Okay Dr. Pajamas.  It’s time to get dressed for school.”

“NO!  I’m Dr. Pajamas!”  The evil doctor shrieks with laughter as he gets tackled and tickled by Dr. Daddy.  When the giggles die down, the little villain is still in his pajamas.

“Okay, enough you guys. He needs to get dressed,”  Mom sighs.

“You know, if you take your pajamas off, you can be Evil Dr. Penis.”  Dad logic is in full effect.

The three-year-old mastermind’s eyes light up.  He springs to his feet and dashes to his lair.

“Make sure you put on long pants, honey.  It’s going to be colder today.”  Mom is clearly in denial.

Before Mommy Evil can haul herself out of bed to chase after him, a maniacal laugh echos in the hallway.  A naked pre-schooler charges back into the room.

“Behold!”  He spins and brandishes his weapon at his parents.  “Dr. Penis!”

Mommy presses her lips together and shoots laughing Daddy a look.  “You get him dressed.”

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5/2/13, Trials of Manhood

“Guess what, Mom!”


“I can make the farty-noise with my armpit!”  Huge grin.

“Oh yeah?”

“Check this out!”  The six-year-old shoves his hand under his shirt and begins flapping his elbow up and down like a one armed chicken.  No sound is produced.  “Wait, it worked a minute ago.”

“You can do it, honey!”

He is now slamming his chicken wing up and down so hard I’m afraid he might hurt himself.  Finally, a squeak sneaks out followed by a little trumpet.  Big smile.


“Are you proud of me?”

“Absolutely!”  Hugs all around!  He did it!

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4/22/13, Heard it from a friend

“Mom, did you know that today is Lincoln’s birthday?”

“Really?  Where did you hear that?”

“From a friend.” The six-year-old goes back to crunching on his after-school apple.

“A friend?” It’s April.  I’m pretty sure it’s not Lincoln’s birthday.

“Yeah.” He avoids my eyes.

“Which friend?”

“Well,” he sighs. “It was actually my brain’s friend.”

“Your brain’s friend?”

“Yeah. It was my lungs.”

“Oh. Your lungs told your brain it was Lincoln’s birthday?”

“Yeah. They’re always making up stories.”

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4/17/13, Wanna Dance?

“Hey, Mom!  Do you want to listen to some cool tunes?” A six-year-old grin pushes its way into the bathroom.

“Not right now, honey.  I need privacy.”

“But listen to this!” He slaps his new fat toothbrush onto the counter and presses a button.  Taio Cruz begins singing his hit song “Dynamite” out of the handle.

                I throw my hands up in the air sometimes,
               Saying AYO! gotta let go!

“Wow!  That’s pretty cool, hon, but . . .”

              I wanna celebrate and live my life,
             Saying AYO! baby, let’s go!

He’s not listening.

            I came to dance, dance, dance, dance

He’s dancing with his eyes closed. The monkey bobs his head from side to side. Then he swings his six-year-old hips back and forth.

           I hit the floor ’cause that’s my plans, plans, plans, plans

He spins and strikes a pose. He’s knocking his knees and crossing his arms like an old Vaudevillian. I nearly fall off the toilet I’m laughing so hard.

          And it goes on and on and on……  Until the singing toothbrush runs out of steam.

“So, did you like my Toothy Tunes?”

“That was pretty awesome.  Um . . . can I have some privacy now?”

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4/16/13: “When I was a hundred years old…”

“Guess what, Mom?”

“What, Henry?”

“When I was a hundred years old I had a new house and a new mom.”

“Really. When you were one hundred years old?”

“And she always gave me pancakes with lots of butter in my new house.”

“So what are you saying? Do you want butter?”

“No. Just with my new mom.”

“Uh. Okay, honey.”

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