Archive for October, 2012

10/31/12, It went alright

Over the chatter of five little monkeys a young male’s voice booms, “I am a golden ninja warrior!  And I work with justice!”

Before the wonderful words “I work with justice” fully sink in, he shouts more.

“I’m going to the land of dragons to battle!”

Shortly after that, a lone monkey is seen skulking around the dining room batting at phantoms and growling for the next two minutes.  If this were happening on the street, someone would surly escort him to the nearest mental hospital.  At some inexplicable moment, he stops satisfied with his work and returns to the basement and the other primates.

“I’m done battling the dragons now.  It went alright . . .”

Golden Ninja Warrior


10/28/12, Clunk.

“Frankie!  It’s time to come upstairs.”

“Let me just finish this game!”

“No, sweetie.  I gave you two warnings.  It’s time to come up.”


“If I have to come down there, I’m taking the Wii game away.”

“FINE!  Why do you always have to say that?”

“Because I’m your mommy.”

“Well, I’m knocking this chair over!”


Damn chair!

8/27/12, Goofballs

“Mommy, the boys took a bath while you were out, didn’t we boys?” Daddy Monkey is obviously pleased with his parenting skills.

“Oh, yeah?” I smile at all of the monkeys.  They do look spruced up a bit.

Both boys nod excitedly.

“We washed our stinky armpits and feet and what else did we wash, guys?”

“Our noses!” Frankie shouts.

“Um. Our hair?” The littlest monkey clearly isn’t sure what the heck happened in the tub.

“That’s right. What else?”

Both boys stare confused at their father as they search their little brains.  Then Frankie brightens up and shouts, “My BALLS!”

Frankie grins proudly at me as my face freezes up to avoid laughing or letting my jaw drop.  I eventually manage to  nod my approval.  “Wow.  That’s great, guys.”


10/26/12, Morning in the Forest

In the dull early light, two monkeys sit on top of their sleeping dad.  Grinning and giggling, they bounce on him like he’s a pony.  The silverback doesn’t move, doesn’t open an eye, hardly even stops snoring.  Now they’re climbing up and sliding down the large ape’s side.  Now they’re wrestling trying to throw one another down from the mountain.  Denied top position, the little one is on his back kicking furiously at his brother.  Several direct kicks to the head don’t phase the older sibling.  When a foot makes contact with a face, their mother finally pries the two apart and drags them away.

The father just lays there serenely feigning sleep, refusing to acknowledge any of them.  It is morning in the forest.

Don’t wake Daddy!


10/25/12, Attack of the Manners!

“Good morning, Frankie!”

“Good morning, Henry.”

“Don’t I look handsome?”

“Yes, very handsome.”  Frankie is talking like Thurston Howell, III. “Thank you, Mom, for this delicious breakfast.”

“Yeah, thank you, Mom.”

I smile politely and kiss them both on the head to mask my horror that aliens have obviously landed and possessed my two children. What do they want? What have they done with my boys? I inch closer to the butcher knife as my eyes circle the house searching for broken objects or two tiny corpses.

“This poop is so tasty!” Frankie says with his pinkie in the air.

Henry giggles. “Yeah. Tasty poop!”

I breathe an audible sigh of relief.  The boys are fine.


10/24/12: Golden moments


“Just give it a try, sweetie,”

“No, I don’t need to!”  Henry pulls down his pants and points to his penis.  “See, Mom!  No pee pees!”

As I’m struggling not to laugh out loud, his defiant expression suddenly changes.  He turns then quickly penguin walks to the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and lets loose a torrent.

These are the moments that make it all worthwhile.

Training a monkey would be easier!

10/23/12: Confucius Say…

Forget the mysteries of the universe, the laws of physics, or the depths of human history.  If you really want to impress your boys with your wisdom, teach them:

“Henry, Henry, Bo-Benry, Banana-Fana-Fo-Fenry, Me-My-Mo-Menry.  Heeeeeenry!”

You would have thought I’d unlocked the meaning of life by their rapt expressions.  They haven’t even grasped the rhyme’s true power.  When they experiment with “Mitch” and “Chuck” (hopefully that will take a few years) I expect their reaction to be something like this…

10/21/12: Pushing Buttons

“Mom. When I seven or eight I going to push lots of buttons.”

The fact that Henry is deadly serious and slowly pronouncing each syllable almost makes me lose it. I manage a straight face. “Okay, honey, I’m sure you will.”

“Yeah. Lots of buttons when I seven and eight.” He sounds like Rain Man.

I can’t resist giggling and kissing him. “Of course, sweetie.”

“Yeah. I going to have my own remote control.”

Henry spent the rest of the day toting around a dead remote control.


Dream big, honey!


10/17/12: The Punchline

“Mom, wanna hear a joke? How does Sponge Bob like his eggs?”

As I scratch my head and make a show of wondering, Henry trots up to his big brother Frankie as if to listen along. The three-year-old shoots me a crooked smile and then punches his big brother in the face. My mouth drops open to yell but I see Frankie laughing. No harm. My mouth is still gaping as Henry trots away flapping his arms like a duck. No foul.

“Mom! You didn’t guess!”

“Huh? What?”

“Funny side up!”

Ah…brotherly love!