7/30/13, The Agony of Defeat

“On your mark!  Get set!  GO!”

Two monkeys tear across the yard.  The youngest is slow on the start but has longer legs.  They’re neck in neck.    They’re tied down the stretch.  The oldest resists the urge to close-line his brother.  They’re running, running . . . right into . . .

“WATCH OUT FOR THE BUSHES!”

CRASH!  They  topple to the ground mere inches from my hydrangeas.

“Guys!  You got to watch where you’re going.  There are rocks over there and . . . ”  I know it’s futile before I even stop talking.  I don’t know why I even waste the oxygen.

“MOM!  Wasn’t that AWESOME?” The six-year-old leaps up and brushes himself off.

The youngest pops up in agreement.  “Look!  Highlights!”

The two monkeys proceed to re-enact the last few steps of the race in slow motion.  They slowly stumble forward with ESPN worthy looks on their faces.  They grunt and grimace as they fall to the ground one inch at a time.  The oldest brushes the hydrangeas in dramatic fashion before collapsing at the finish line.

I laugh.  Oh, the agony of defeat!

Monkey Race

Image Courtesy of www.flickr.com

7/18/13, The Plan

“Me and Konrad made a map!”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. It shows where we are going to put the cannons!  First we’re going to bomb the Knotsys!”

“The Nazis?  Like in Indiana Jones?”

“Yeah.”  A pensive six-year-old looks up at me.  “Mom, what are Nazis and why did they want to destroy the Jews?”

Long pause.  Oh, dear God.  This talk was going to happen sometime and the time is now?  “Well, when things were bad in Germany after World War I, the people wanted someone to blame for their problems . . .” Deep breath.  “So a terrible man named Hitler convinced everyone that if they destroyed the Jews that all of their problems would go away.  So Hitler and the Nazis did terrible things.  And do you know what?”

“What?”

“He was wrong. All of their problems didn’t go away, and Germany lost World War II.”  Wait for more questions.  Please don’t ask more questions.

“So first we bomb the Nazis, and then Caves Full of Orcs!”

Phew!  The little monkey is unphased . . . then his last word sinks in. “Orcs?”

He nods. “Then the Evil Elves.  Then England!”

When I stop giggling, I pat him on the head. “Sounds like a plan, honey!”

The Map

7/15/13, Welcome to our home!

“Hi, Henry! Hi!”

Two bubbly boys bounce into the house.

“Henry, say ‘Hi’ to our friends!  They came over to play!”

He doesn’t speak or smile at them as they kick off their shoes.  His pudgy, little lips rest in a firm line.  His baby blue eyes examine them like insects under a plastic microscope.  Interlopers.

“Hey, silly.  Say ‘Hi!’”

In a grave voice he finally says, “I have Star Wars underpants on.”

Two friends blink at this profound proclamation. One cracks a smile.

“Umm…that’s great, honey.  Why don’t you and your friends go play?”

Image courtesy of www.funnymonkeysite.com

Image courtesy of www.funnymonkeysite.com

 

6/24/13, Behold!

“Behold!”

The newly minted first-grader storms into the room with his blankie draped over his shoulders like Dracula’s cape.

“Behold what?”

“I am McGreggor!” He cocks an eyebrow and tosses his blankie over his shoulder.

“McGreggor?” It’s hard not to laugh.

“McGreggor!  The Master of Pajamas!”  He spins to reveal his Christmas-in-June pajama pants.

Now I do laugh.

He struts out of the room.  “Ha! Ha! HA!”

“Okay.  Goodnight, McGreggor.”

Image courtesy of www.trekearth.com

Image courtesy of www.trekearth.com

 

6/19/13, Duh!

“Mom, what’s better – a frog or a butterfly?”

“I don’t know.  A butterfly?”

He solemnly shakes his head. Silly Mommy. “A frog. Do you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because a frog can eat a butterfly.”

Image courtesy of krishna.org

Image courtesy of krishna.org

 

5/31/13, My Thing

“Frankie!  How many times have I told you to lift the toilet seat?”

“Oh yeah.”

Annoyed pointing continues.  “Do you see this mess?”

“I’m sorry.   I forgot.”  Sheepish smile and then a shrug.  “Forgetting stuff is kinda my thing.”

Image courtesy of www.123rf.com

Image courtesy of www.123rf.com

 

5/28/13, Dr. Evil

“I’m Dr. Evil Pajamas!  Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaaaaaaaw!”

“Okay Dr. Pajamas.  It’s time to get dressed for school.”

“NO!  I’m Dr. Pajamas!”  The evil doctor shrieks with laughter as he gets tackled and tickled by Dr. Daddy.  When the giggles die down, the little villain is still in his pajamas.

“Okay, enough you guys. He needs to get dressed,”  Mom sighs.

“You know, if you take your pajamas off, you can be Evil Dr. Penis.”  Dad logic is in full effect.

The three-year-old mastermind’s eyes light up.  He springs to his feet and dashes to his lair.

“Make sure you put on long pants, honey.  It’s going to be colder today.”  Mom is clearly in denial.

Before Mommy Evil can haul herself out of bed to chase after him, a maniacal laugh echos in the hallway.  A naked pre-schooler charges back into the room.

“Behold!”  He spins and brandishes his weapon at his parents.  “Dr. Penis!”

Mommy presses her lips together and shoots laughing Daddy a look.  “You get him dressed.”

Courtesy of www.tedhickman.com

Courtesy of www.tedhickman.com

 

5/20/13, Stick ‘em up!

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah!”

“That’s it. Let’s go!”

Spoons crash to the counter.  They brandish both fingers at each other like pistols.

“Pew! Pew! Pew!”

“Pow! Pow! POW!”

“I’m going to beat you!” Maniacal laugh.

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. Pew! Pew! Pew!”

“Well, guess what?”

“What?”

“You’re out of bullets.  Bang!  I win!”

The littlest monkey drops his finger guns in shocked defeat.  Big brother grins smugly and goes back to munching his Cheerios.  The seeds of revenge quietly take root behind his baby brothers eyes.  There will be another duel at dawn.

Image courtesy of brandontvs.webs.com

Image courtesy of brandontvs.webs.com

5/6/13, Lesson Learned

“Moooooooooommy.  Frankie won’t let me have the marble.”

“Did you ask him nicely?”

“Yeah.”

“Frankie, your brother just asked you nicely for the marble.”

The six-year-old shrugs.  “I just taught him a valuable lesson.”

“Oh, you did?”

“Yes.”

“What was the lesson?”

“You can’t always get what you want.  It’s the way of the world.”

Image courtesy of www.etsy.com/listing/54850855/wise-old-monkey-8x8-print

Image courtesy of www.etsy.com/listing/54850855/wise-old-monkey-8×8-print

 

5/2/13, Trials of Manhood

“Guess what, Mom!”

“What?”

“I can make the farty-noise with my armpit!”  Huge grin.

“Oh yeah?”

“Check this out!”  The six-year-old shoves his hand under his shirt and begins flapping his elbow up and down like a one armed chicken.  No sound is produced.  “Wait, it worked a minute ago.”

“You can do it, honey!”

He is now slamming his chicken wing up and down so hard I’m afraid he might hurt himself.  Finally, a squeak sneaks out followed by a little trumpet.  Big smile.

“Wow!”

“Are you proud of me?”

“Absolutely!”  Hugs all around!  He did it!

Image courtesy of chimpmania.com

Image courtesy of chimpmania.com